Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Missing her.

This is my third attempt to write this blog. I am struggling with some emotions this week. 

First, We are thrilled to be moving on to phase two. Each phase has multiple steps, but grouping everything according to which organization or agency that we will deal with it looks kinda like this:

Phase 1- homestudy COMPLETE! 
Phase 2 - USCIS application and biometrics
Phase 3 - dossier translation and submission 
Phase 4 - travel to Ukraine! Sda appointments, courts, passports, etc.

But I think I have spent too much time looking at other timelines this week. Right now we are looking at - best case scenarios- January travel time. Which is fine, better than what some have to deal with, but January still feels so far away in my heart! 

We got good news yesterday that Lena doesn't have to go back to a camp like we thought she would, but this morning, I tried to call her phone and I couldn't get the call to go through.... Even worse than that, I can't understand the automated message..... So, we are waiting to find out if she just has it turned off, if she is out of money on it, or if there is a problem.... Regardless, I was really wanting to talk to her today to see if there is anything she wants in her next package..... And just to hear her sweet voice. 

It is a tough position right now. My heart is just as in love with Lena now as it was with Josiah and Lydia when I was pregnant with them. Emotionally I am fully in love with her. The difference for me is that when I was pregnant, while I was never fully in control (of course God creates life and forms bodies.... Etc) I was at least aware of how I felt and therefore how they seemed to be doing while we were waiting. Each kick renewed my heart that baby was growing... I cold drink some orange juice if I ever needed to feel some kicks and it would wake them up every time! 

With adoption, there are days of no news and no contact. There are other people making decisions for Lena. I have no say in her nutrition, her protection, her life. The trust that I have to place in knowing that God loves Lena even more than I do and will keep her in His plan. On days when I want to have contact but can't get to her, this is especially hard. My head knows that God is in control and His timing is better than my plan..... My heart struggles to rest in that knowledge at times. 

So. We wait. 

1 comment:

  1. I've been thinking of writing a "now and then" post on my blog....with "then" only being ten years ago when we adopted our first Russian son. We'd hosted and fell in love with him, too - but just ten years ago there was no Facebook, no yahoo groups, no internet connections to Russia at all - at least that I or anyone I know knew of. We could send snail mail letters to the kids, or letters and gifts by other families who were traveling. We waited nine months (which seems appropriate - and we actually waited nine months for all four of our children, as it turned out). But that is an ENORMOUS time when you have no idea whatsoever where your child is, or what they are doing. I just had to trust that they'd kept him safe THAT long, that they'd manage it a little longer!