Today a rush of tears has overwhelmed me. The memories I have missed with her have seriously stabbed my heart. My mind is full of the moment of celebration the week after Josiah's first birthday when he released his grip of the couch and toddled across our living room in virginia to a specific toy. It's like it was yesterday. His first word being momma, and having to wait what seemed forever for him to finally say dada!
Lydia's first steps are just as vivid. After pushing her pink baby stroller across the room, she wanted to get her baby, so she let to and took the steps. Falling on the padded bottom as she leaned to pick up the doll. Her unstoppable determination to learn to climb up on the couch and the wonder that I still have when she figures out a plan by herself.
It makes me wonder, who celebrated Lena's first steps? Who was there? What was her first word? Were there photos of her first haircut? Did someone celebrate when she lost her first tooth?
It then hit me like a ton of bricks, not only did I miss so many milestones, but I only have 5 years until she will be legally able to make her own decisions. Josiah will only be 8 and Lydia will be 6 when Lena begins to spread her wings and take flight. Will those delicate, damaged wings be repaired by then? Will they be strong? What can We do to take this precious arrow that God is placing in our quiver to help her to be prepared to fly straight? To be unafraid to take risks, to be ready to fail and then be Ready to stand on the shaky legs and try again. 5 years of unconditional love. 5 years of showing her Jesus. 5 years of permanence. 5 years of being fully accepted. Can that possibly be enough?
I go back to so many promises... He will never leave nor forsake. He puts the orphans In families. He is not leaving her fatherless. His love never fails. He was sent to heal the broken hearted, to release captives. He gives a hope and a future. He has a plan.
There are memories I will never have. There are Stories I have missed and moments that cannot be replaced and that hurts my heart. But I will hold to the promises and thank God for the gift of 5 years of close (sometimes bumpy) parenting... And a lifetime together...
So, I wipe my tears, lift my head, and thank God for the future. I pray that the years of emotional famine in her life will be redeemed. Not referring to a lack of food, but a lack of love. He is God, and He answers.