In the middle of a country torn by a revolution, yes I have opinions, but no, they don't matter. I cannot help. I would, but I cannot. If I were here simply to visit, I would do what I could, but I am not. I am here to get my daughter and to reunite her with the rest of our family. I keep my eyes on that goal as I walk the streets of a revolution.
My two at home climb into daddy's lap and ask when mommy and Elianna will be home. He can't answer.
Elianna grabs my hand and asks when we go to america. I have no answer.
The information is mixed. One family gets a passport, another says none have been printed in a week. One person says state offices are open, and other says they are closed. No one can tell me when or if we will have the passport. Prayers have been said, politicians called, emails sent and conversations had. And I still sit here, watching the clock tick, wondering when I will ever come home again. My heart breaks.
My heart breaks for my two precious babies and my newest tender hearted child who doesn't completely understand why the other families can go home, but we can't. How do I answer! I don't know either. I have three children then that do not understand why we aren't together..... And the reason they don't know, is because I don't know either.
I can't figure out what lesson I should learn. I struggle with Gods timing type of answers because they seem so simple and this is just so hard. How can it be God's will for my family to be separated for so long? For my daughter to continue in limbo? For my babies to not have their mom for over 3 weeks? I know I can't earn my favor with God.... And yet I find my self asking did I pray the right words? At the right time? Did I follow the right steps?
How can prayer after prayer be answered with "not yet?" And how long can I handle it?
I cried for hours today. I wept. My heart broken in pieces. There are comments made of courage and strength. I have none. I am afraid. I am hurting. 82 days now..... No sign of the end. And this was supposed to be the easy part. Everything is done. We have all the stamps, we have chased down every scrap of paper, we have cleared everything possible.....
The irony that hits now, is this. For every other delay, we were wishing for a computer system that could push information quicker.... For a way to send electronic information so we didn't have to drive for hours or wait on the post office.... Now, for the first time in three months, it is a computer that we need.... And it is down.
I had to send the email requesting to move our plane tickets. Again. That hurt.
I have no more words.