"I believe, help my unbelief."
That is what I feel today. The day before what is, by all definitions, likely our last chance.
Tomorrow at 12 we go back to court. We are out of time. I have been here 63 days now. Ronnie is out of work days that he can miss. If the judge says no. Well. I haven't thought that far because I am afraid of it. It will not be easy.
Last night, while walking around a mall. I got a sense of dread, fear, panic. I know this is not from God. It can't be. God is not the God of fear. He is God of peace, love, courage. He is God of miracles.
I know and believe this all in my head. I have known it my whole life.
I believe with my head.
Today, though, my prayer is to believe with my heart and this is proving to be extremely complicated. I would love to be able to stand and boldly say that I know God will do this. But I feel that would be a lie. I want God to do it. I feel that we were called by God to this journey and cannot even comprehend getting this far and being turned away. I cannot understand why we are still here, why my orphaned daughter has been put through so many extra weeks of life in an orphanage, why my biological children have been put through weeks of mom being gone. I know there seem to be so many textbook answers.
adoption always costs a lot (emotions, time and money)
There is a reason, but we may never know
We have thought these things, been told these things, had these things said to us via text, fb, etc.
We know it is true. Yet.
It is hard. It is hard that my biological kids are without their mom for this length of time.
It is just as hard every.single.time. We have to take her back to the orphanage. Again, this is a good orphanage that she is in, yet it is still an orphanage. She still does not want to go back. She cries. I wonder if she cries because she is unsure if we will be there again, or if it is because she now feels somewhat excluded from her friends there, or if there are other reasons.
She has asked us 50 times today if court is tomorrow. Yes. It is.
We now try to go to sleep.
Praying that this is her last night as an orphan.
Praying that the battle in the heavens will be won tomorrow.
Praying that the judge sees our heart.... That she sees in our eyes and hears in our words that we love this girl with all our heart.... But more than all of that.... That the judge sees Jesus. Our prayer since June 26, when this started, was that everyone who heard our story, saw our papers, signed off on our process would see Jesus. So, we pray that regardless of the outcome, that we are able to show her Jesus.
So..... I say.... I know this whole process is a miracle. Just as birth is a miracle. And I do believe in miracles.... Lord, help my unbelief.
We know that our God is able, but even if He should choose not to, we will praise Him.